I just recently went on a 6 week spiritual journey with an intimate group of women and exploring plant medicines Mushroom and Hape in an intentional and scared way.
My intentions for this immersion was to connect deeper in with my purpose, to truuuuussssssstttttt and to find a place of stillness within the chaos of my life.
Things feel hectic as fuck in my life at the moment, like a whole new level that I’ve never experienced before.
It’s like I’m lead here by intuition, like an inner knowing bitten my human, my monkey brain, my fears, my trauma, my conditioning all gathers too like um girl what the actual fuck is going on!
I’m on week two of home schooling my kids which by the way has been an absolute “nightmare” this week with missing non refundable swimming lessons and having a sick 1 year old and trying to juggle working - its been stretching both my mental and physical capacity to levels I didn’t even know existed.
I keep coming back to the word surrender, which seems to be my mantra right now in amongst the thoughts of what the fuck, why the fuck and have I made a mistake.
Surrender seems obvious but when your working from a place of wanting to birth so many ideas in your businesses but also not sure how your gonna have the time because it seems like every time I sit down to do some admin, create something, do anything that’s for my work - I’m interrupted. There is a selfish and conditioned part of me that thinks like why couldn’t you just be like everyone else Mel, like why did you have to go and pull your kids out of school, you could of had so much time to do all the things you want to do, be way more productive.
I’m currently in a place of deep gratitude, deep love for this journey that’s wrapped up in overwhelm and my nervous system is working overtime.
I come back to my intentions that I set during this last 6 weeks - trust, purpose, stillness, presence and release.
Trusting that I’m doing exactly what I’m meant too, that my purpose cannot be lost, there are may paths that weave through it.
As I sit here writing this my kids are in the lounge watching YouTube making origami - a backwards from the screen free home we were not that long ago, feelings of guilt and shame wash over me, the energy of the expectations I had for this blissful experience stir around - but all alongside these feelings is this inner trust, beneath the fear is an inner trust that this path we’ve leaped over too is beautifully timed and learning to surrender to my decisions, to today, to this hour, each minute, every breath.
I find the more I surrender the deeper I feel present.
The more I surrender, the easier it is to release the shame and expectations on myself.
The more I surrender, the more I realise it doesn’t fully matter that I don’t know what I’m doing.